Edit: To all the companies at Pier 38 – That totally sucks, but you know what?  We got yer back!  If you need a temporary place to work, come work at CritterLabs for FREE.  That’s right, I said it.  Free.  Gratis.  Nada.  We’re just down the street at 300 Brannan St in SOMA.  Just send an email to: officeless@crittercism.com

1.  Built-in Punishment System

Do you find yourself resorting to lame name-calling and useless finger wagging when someone breaks the build?  Has your hair been on fire for a punishment system that “just works?”  Well, here at CritterLabs (in addition to the usual amenies of high speed internet and booth babe rental service), you will have access to a state of the art punishment system:

Step 1: The Chair of Shame – Nothing gets a hacker thinking about their epic fail like the CoS.  They say 5 minutes in the CoS is equivalent to two hours of peer programming with “I don’t shower because I never sweat” guy.  

Step 2: Banana Suit - There’s always punishment in the banana suit.  Some people need time to reflect on their coding fails, but some people just need to live in it.  The banana suit is the perfect way to live in fail.  Whether it’s 5 minutes of forced prancing about the office, or a nice jog around the block with a “Kick Me, I’m a Bad Banana” sign, the BS is perhaps one of the most versatile forms of punishment.  

Step 3: Chair of Banana Suit Shame – The CBSS is really the pinnacle of all startup punishment techniques.  Only use the CBSS as a last resort – only to be used when all hope is lost – when testing on staging is a distant memory, when they start coding everything in LISP, when they start dressing like Sad Keanu, when they’ve switched from Dropbox to Microsoft Sharepoint.   When all hope is lost, let the CBSS be your light.

Full Disclosure: Crittercism may or may not have used any or all of the aforementioned punishment system.  

2.  Five Star Sleeping Facilities

Just kiddin’.  Though there really is someone sleeping in there.

Couch of Zen.  Relax, Adventurer, and let me heal your wounds.  Sorry I’ve been playing a little too much Zelda lately.  

3.  Refreshing Refreshments

There’s nothing better after a long day of coding like MORE CODING.  Here at CritterLabs, we make sure your company is injected with enough rocketfuel to code for at least 3 weeks straight with nothing but pure adrenaline hundreds of cups of coffee.  

We (AKA our new hires) work tirelessly to bring you an endless supply of beverages.  It’s also how we work out.  

3.  The Trifecta of Office Sports

Foosball: The sport for people with really strong wrists.

Airhockey: The sport for people that have spent way too much time in arcades.  

Ping Pong: The sport that short people can actually win at.  

4.  We Have a Sick Office

ROR:  Ruby on Rails?  Nope.  Rock Out Room.

Ghetto Office Karaoke

Noms.

Hax0rs.

5.  Guns (and a 3d Printer)

But in all seriousness, the best part of CritterLabs are the people here.  We have a unique group of entrepreneurs ranging from YC alums, to co-founders that have sold companies, to ex-professional poker players.  Come join us!